ButtHouse Blondies
by aubrey kate
Summary: The realistic, unrealistic story of how Bella Swan and Edward Cullen fell in love in highschool, fell apart, went crazy, and found eachother again.  "Sometimes you just have to love someone in order to find yourself."
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer

I do not own Twilight, or anything else mentioned in this story.

This is Butt-House Blondies in all its awesomeness. Enjoy it. Or don't.

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_Butt-House Blondies by Ariel Pink's Haunted Grafitti_

_She used to be stoned at sixteen_

_Now all she knows is that she can breed_

_Butt-House Blondies_

_She used to care _

Sometimes I think I was born backwards… you know, come out of my mom the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards, I feel like I'm spinning in circles and I can't stop. The people I should love, I start to hate. And the people I should hate, I love.

I wonder why I'm here, in this life. I wonder why I'm here in Forks, instead of somewhere else, like in Africa helping the poor or some shit like that.

I wonder if I have a purpose beyond getting high with my friends and being an idiot all the time.

I wonder if love is real.

But I don't have the time to answer those questions and I'm sure you don't either.

Because right now I am staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, watching the paint peel around the water spots, knowing school starts in thirty minutes.

I am Bella Swan and my life is about to change.

And before you ask, the answer is no. This is not some happy story that I pulled out of my ass, this is just my effed up life.

It's not 1986, I'm not Molly Ringwald, and John Hughes did not direct my life. This is the woeful sarcastic tale that is Isabella Marie Swan.

I'm sixteen years old, I live with my trusty cop father, Charlie, who I never speak to, and I'm a stoner.

My phone rings and I know it's either Rose, Jasper, or James, because they are really the only people who have my phone number.

I get up and answer.

"Helllooo?" I say in an awesome just-woke-up-voice.

"Where are you bitch? I've been waiting outside your house for like twenty minutes now, and I still don't see your pasty ass running out the door!"

And that would be Rosalie Hale, my best friend. We have known each other all our lives and are inseparable.

She is blond, beautiful and a total bitch. She fucks up anyone who gets in her way and doesn't care about anything or anyone.

Her brother Jasper, is one year older than us and a total pot-head, he's who bought us our first joint. But Jasper is also a total manwhore, putting his hand up any skirt in the area. And I'm not proud to say that I have let him touch my boobs on occasion while drunk. He is pretty hot after all.

And then there is James, the fourth member of our fucked up group. He is creepy, but funny, and he is also our drug dealer. He's more Jasper's friend than mine, but I have caught him giving me the eye a few times.

And if you don't know what the eye is, it's that look a guy gives you when he wants to totally stick his hand down your pants.

"Hey! Are you even listening to me?" Rosalie yelled in my ear.

"Oh right..yeah.. I'll be down in a few."

"You better." She hung up.

I got dressed in black jeans and.. Oh fuck. I forgot to do laundry last night.

All of my hoodies are totally stunk up, I have nothing to wear unless I want to look like a jackass.

All that's left in my closet are tank tops and… wait… this might work.

I pulled on the top and looked at myself in the mirror.

I was wearing a low-cut blue long-sleeve shirt with… no bra. Great.

Rose beeped the horn from outside.

No bra it is then.

I went to the bathroom and did my duties. Haha, duties.

My hair looked fine, long, brown, with a wave, normal.

I ran downstairs and out the door to see Rose waiting by her purple Camaro, tapping her foot.

"Sorry, sorry. I know I overslept, we will make it, don't worry."

Rose rolled her eyes and jumped into the front seat.

I said hi to Jasper who was in the backseat smoking a joint.

He glanced to my boobs and smirked.

"Cold Bella?" Jasper slurred.

"Fuck you. Heyyyy, sharing is caring, you wanna pass that bad boy up here?" pointing to the joint.

"Sure, lil' lady." and passed me the joint.

"Jasper, quit the southern accent thing. Will ya? We are from Washington for Christ's sake!" Rose yelled, as she drove like a maniac.

I tuned out their chatter and took a drag from the joint.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…"

This is my purpose in life, ladies and gentlemen.

We made it to school safe and sound, and parked next to James' motorcycle.

I hopped out of the car, feelin' oh so fine.

"So did ya hear?" Rose said.

"Hear what?" I smiled leaning against the car, like every morning.

"We have new students fuckwad, that's what."

"Bitch. Wait it's October, that's kinda weird don't ya think?"

Jasper appeared at my side. "Maybe it's your birthday wish come true Bells. A hot new boyfriend for ya."

James suddenly spoke up behind him, "That's right, cause none of us here are good enough for Miss Bella Swan."

Jasper grimaced and it was silent for a few moments.

"Yeah, a lot of guys are interested B, what's wrong with half of Forks High Junior Class?" Rose asked.

"Is it too much to ask for someone to be interesting?" I said.

"I just think you're an arrogant bitch." James sneered.

"Hey! James cool it man! What the fuck's up with you lately?" Jasper punched James' shoulder.

James looked a me for a long second. "Nothin' man, just a lot on my mind is all." He looked around. "Hey, it's almost time for first period, I'm goin." And with that, he left.

Rose and I walked to first period in silence.

"You know, you should totally give your virginity up to James, I mean, I bet he has a big dick." Rose looked like she was containing her laughter.

I didn't think it was so funny.

"Yeah well you sucked Mike Newton's dick." I said.

"Touche, my friend."

And everything was right in the world, until I saw one very hot new student by the name of Edward Cullen.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer

I do not own anything except the storyline.

Enjoy!

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Butt-House Blondies Chapter 2

_Sweat(Drip Drop Song)_

_Drip Drop_

_Fever starts to flow_

_When the clothes start slippin'_

_Wanna' see your clothes slippin'_

I was just minding my own business, waiting for the bell to ring fourth period, when he walked into the room. The door opened and I just stared. Standing there looking delicious, was a boy my age with bronze messy hair, hot green eyes, and a skinny muscular body. I was in heaven.

It looked like he was in a fucking shampoo commercial. You know, when the guys hair is blowing in the wind and he totally winks at the camera.

I would sooooo buy his shampoo.

I wasn't the only one who noticed it either. Jess was practically humping the seat next to me.

"OMG! Bella! Do you see him? That's the new student, Edward Cullen! I think I'm having a hot-attack!…Get it? Like a heart attack but with hot…" Jess squealed.

"Yeah Jess I get it." I replied distractedly.

I was to busy watching him. He didn't look like the jock type. He looked mysterious, like he has a dark past. But he also looked sweet. There was an innocence about him. Definitely boyfriend material. Too bad I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. Everyone I ever loved either left or are now miserable. I wouldn't want to do that to anybody. I come off as this picky, arrogant, bitch. But I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from the disappointment of learning that you ruined someone's life. It is true that I am lonely. I mean I basically have only three friends. I do want something more than a friend, but I wouldn't know what to do. This guy looks to good for me anyway. So if anything ,this guy could be a fling. But once again I'm getting ahead of myself, because he might not even want me.

"Class? Can I have your attention please?" Mr. Berty asked.

Everyone quieted down. "It seems we have a new student with us today." He turned to Edward. "Why don't you introduce yourself to the class?"

Edward fidgeted and looked around the room. "Hello, My name is Edward Cullen. I just moved here from Alaska with my sister Alice." He spoke in a velvety voice.

I heard Jessica sigh in awe next to me.

"Well, Edward why don't you find a seat." Mr. Berty said while staring at Edward's ass.

Mr. Berty is like 100% into men. He brought this muscular Mexican guy to the bake sale last year and was totally groping him. The PTA had a field day with that shit.

During class he always uses the word, "fierce".

He says things like, "Wow, Eric that essay you wrote was fierce!", "Look at the weather everyone! It's fierce!"

Yeah, I know.

Edward sat two seats to my right.

I couldn't help but stare. He was really beautiful.

He suddenly looked over at me.

It was like he was trying to talk to me with his eyes. I knew this boy was going to be trouble.

And then he smiled at me. I melted.

Class started and I had to look away. Over the course of the next 40 minutes I kept sneaking glances at him. I caught him looking back at me a few times too. I am proud to say he did look like he wanted me.

Maybe it was the no bra thing.

I jumped when the bell rang. I was so caught up in Edward's sexiness that I lost track of time.

Everyone filed out of the classroom ,but I didn't see Edward.

I went to my locker and put my books away. When I closed the locker door, there standing was Edward Cullen.

I jumped. "Woah! You scared me to death!" I breathlessly said.

"Sorry." he smiled

"Yeah um it's okay."

"Your Bella Swan right?"

"Um..yeah I am. How did you know my name?"

"This guy Mike was telling me about you during class."

I laughed uneasily. "Well don't believe everything you hear."

It was silent for a few moments.

"You don't mind if I take this locker?" he nodded to the locker next to mine.

"You can take anything if you want it enough." I said.

He blinked. "Great. You know, I was thinking that since I don't know anybody we could get to know each other."

"Why?" Edward looked like a sweet guy. He was vulnerable. I would just ruin him. I ruin everything.

He looked taken back. "Well um.. I don't know. You definitely looked at me this morning. And I just thought ,you know, maybe we could get to know each other."

"I look at lots of people. That doesn't mean I want to get to know them."

He looked unsure but then smiled. He leaned down to whisper in my ear. "I know you like me Bella. I saw you looking at me. Go out with me this weekend."

"You don't even know me."

"But I want to know you. I've never met someone like you before. I want you. I may not have the most experience with the dating thing but I think you should give me a chance."

"One date." I agreed.

"We'd be good together, don't you think?" he asked.

He looked hopeful. I couldn't give him hope.

"No."

"Why not?" his brow furrowed.

"Because I'll break your heart."

"Maybe I'll break yours."

"Nobody breaks my heart."

I stared into his eyes and knew I wouldn't be able to let him go.

And so began the passionate, sarcastic, angsty, love affair that is Bella Swan and Edward Cullen_._

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